Preface

I glanced tentatively around the bare, white room as someone rapped rhythmically against the clear pane of the door, opening it. It was a doctor. Young and new, I guessed. He took long strides towards me and stood at my bedside, casting his eyes down as he ran a hand through his hair. Not a good sign. He muttered words barely coherent to my mind as I looked up at him with bewildered eyes. His words coming out a frenzied mess. He must have caught on seeing as he heaved out a long sigh and spoke slower. I continued looking at him, not knowing where I was exactly or for what reason. But after a series of sighs, fidgeting, and foreign words, here’s what I found out: my name is Hannah Cartel, I’m 17, and I have three weeks to live.

Basically, this is the preface of a novel I wish to write. Lame idea, lame plot. But that’s fine. Something’s gotta motivate me.

Beginning of the end

School is beginning, yet, it’s an end for me. I’m a senior now. A senior. I’ve coasted through school living day-by-day. I don’t plan what to do, if so, at the very least. But now, I gotta watch my back. What I do now is in the pinnacle of high school; what most people remember when they finally get out. This is the year to be known or remembered. My last three high school years were such a blur. Everything happened too fast and look where I am now. Still confused, still lost. I’m so used to being the youngest. Youngest in my family, youngest in friends, youngest class in school. But now, I’m the oldest. I can’t be babied anymore. No matter how much I want to, no matter how much it’ll be easier: I’m not a kid anymore. I’m still realizing it. I’m so used to getting my way with people, at least most of the time. Now, since I’m a PRO for senior class, I’m gonna have to get used to being shut down all the time, getting told what I’m doing wrong, that everything I do, I could’ve done better. It’s gonna make me stronger. It’s gotta. All the criticism, I will recieve is either gonna make me or break me. I’m writing this now as my acknowledgment that I’m growing up. I’m stepping out of the shadows and making myself remembered. I’m not a kid. I’m not an adult. I’ll just be me and go from there.

The Secret Life of an American Teenager

For one thing, can they come up with a shorter, yet catchier title. What happened to one word says it all? Another thing, what is with the people who cast these actors. They can’t act at all! Maybe some, but mostly it’s so annoying how every new TV show has a multitude of bad acting. And c’mon, their scripts and logic in this show makes no sense. Why is everyone making fun of Grace when she was almost raped? Why is it so funny that the anchors feel the need to play it over and over again? And Amy’s parents are just as dumb. Why in the hell would any respective parent would want any child to be threatened like that? Why is Amy’s mom so jealous? She needs to grow up. So what is Grace threatened the guy? It’s called self-defense. They can’t sue her for that! They should sue the guy for being drunk in public and harrassing and attempting to rape an underaged girl! And what’s with Amy’s stuttering? It’s so obvious that she’s hiding something. Those parents’ have brains, so why don’t they use them. And Amy’s sister, she’s probably me third favorite actress, but her tone of voice is so fake. It’s obvious that she’s forcing it. She needs to brush up on her acting just like almost every other actor/actress on that show. And that Asian girl, she’s the most boringest in the whole entire fricken’ show, I just wanna rip off me ears when I hear her talk, she’s so boring! And Ben, he’s a freakin’ stalker, I can’t imaging going out with him for any longer than a week at most. The only one who seems to have any sense about pregnancy is the black girl. Gosh, tell you dumbass parents that your pregnant and get over it! It’s not like they aren’t gonna notice you huge, bulbous stomach. Or maybe they won’t because they so ignorant and stupid.

In lay man’s terms, this show has potential to be a good show. It could really teach the community about pregnancy and such. But! And here is the big but, it needs better actors and scipts. No offence, but both lack major creativity and realism.

Posted: Unknown

To: You

How could you let a girl control you that way? I thought I should feel bad for starting all this. Yeah, I know I did take part of this, maybe even a significant part, but at least I didn’t let it ruin my life like you. Yeah, you’re ruining your life. I really believed you could’ve moved on and had a good life. You say it’s so hard, but you’re making it hard. You try to make everyone feel sorry for you, maybe they should sometimes. But now, you’re making your life more pathetic than it really is. And I hate the word pathetic. You laugh off everything like it’s no big deal, but I know why you do it. So we can get mad or reprimand you for doing it. You want attention. I know what I’m saying is mean, but this is the plain truth. And I can see right through you. Why can’t you see that there are people who really care for you and want you to have a good life? Stop being such a dick about everything and just

GROW UP!

Posted: October 16, 2006

http://www.xanga.com/feelingsxobscured

So here I am updating. Love is a complicated emotion. Love is not based on what you give, but on what you feel. Julie said that. Just because you do something for someone doesn’t mean you love them. You love them when you feel you do. Seems pretty simple in words, but trying to figure it out is the hard part. Who’s to say what love is but God. Dianne said that. I remember saying that before too. How can you tell what love is when you don’t have the experience to differenciate it from other things? Only God has the answer to those kind of questions. But for now the only thing to help us down the right path is our intuition and our faith in God…

That was an original post from my former site. I forgot my other online journal. But I’m apt to keep this one. I really hope I do. I’m surprised at this post. It’s actually good. Haha.

Ja matte!

Posted: Unknown

The Middleman

Tell me the time of your joys and dreams
Or when your heart’s been ripped by it’s seams
Sing to me pain you’ve bared for so long
And harmonize about her who has done you wrong

Pour out all the things that you’ve been through
In the past and present, or something new
For I will be waiting when you descend
And tell me you’ve slipped and fell in love again

Posted: November 07, 2007

Three Cheers For One Year

Well, it hasn’t been exactly one year for Gilmore and me, but it was close. But now it’s over and there’s no chance of repeating it. I admit, I miss Gilmore, but I don’t know if I still have feelings for him. Can you miss someone, but not feel anything for them at all? I don’t know. I can analyze other people, but I can’t analyze myself. Ask me something that happened yesterday and I won’t remember it. It’s so stupid, but its true. People just think I’m covering up for it. Well then, you don’t know me. It’s so hard to really open up. You just don’t get me. You think I’m so cold and uncaring. Maybe I am, but you should know me. I thought you knew me. But I guess I’m wrong. I know I never tried contacting you. Maybe once or twice, but that’s all. I know I never confronted you. Do you think I don’t know? Well I do. You think I’m some bitch for not doing anything. I bet Von thinks so too. I’m not trying to play innocent. I’m not gonna defend myself over something like this when you’re not even gonna believe me. I tell you I don’t know cuz I don’t fucken know, okay? What the hell!? Can you atleast talk to me without getting mad at me, without being irritated, without bringing us up? It’s still hard for me to talk about it! Don’t you get it?! I know it sounds stupid, but this is who I am, this is what I’m like! I thought you understood that. I never approached you because I knew you would ignore me. I can’t stand rejection. And only Russell knows that. I don’t wanna compare. But it’s so much easier with Russell. And I’m not with him because it’s easier. I’m with him because I like him! I’m not saying that I didn’t like you. I did. But…I don’t know. You think I’m doing better without you. I don’t know, okay? I’m not here to compare you guys. It wouldn’t be fair that way. But you are doing better without me. Believe it because its fucken true. You’ve been telling me all this shit I did. Yeah, I’m a bad person. I’m insecure, so thanks for telling me I’m so fucken worthless. No one makes me feel bad like you do. When you say something, I can’t defend myself. Not that I would, but I can’t even say anything bad. And I hate that. Fuck man! There’s so much I wanna say, but I can’t even think about it. It’s just too hard. The reason I have no answers is because I don’t think about things like that. I think only Russell knows that. Man Russell…where are you?

Posted: October 15, 2007

Do I dare disturb the universe?

I actually finished reading my book, The Chocolate War. I’d say it was a good book. It actually kept me reading, big part of helping me finish my book. Also, the fact that I didn’t do anything for Chamorro and half of Spanish class. That’s weird, like a sign. I think I had to pass the test in English or I’d fail out of the class. But right now, I’m happy with my grades so far. Let’s see, for Chamorro I get a 103% and 102% for my exam. And for Spanish, I got a 93% for my exam. I know I could’ve done better though. I actually borrowed a book, for no reason. And I’m actually half-way through the book after a couple of hours, maybe two or three. I don’t know. Anyway, I’ll write about The Chocolate War.

The Chocolate War: Robert Cormier

Trinity High School, a private all-boy school, holds a chocolate sale every year to raise money for school. It’s practically mandatory. But Jerry Renault recieves an assignment from the Vigils, an powerful, exclusive organization that gives out assignments to random boys, to refuse to sell chocolates for ten days and accept it the next day. He successfully refuses for ten days, but continues to deny the chocolate. This starts a rebellion against the school for selling the chocolate. But soon, the Vigils, being defied by Jerry, step in and start a mad craze of selling chocolate, leaving Jerry as an outcast. Archie, the assignment giver of the Vigils, proposes a way for Jerry to get back at everyone with a raffle. The raffle is like a boxing tournament, Jerry against Janza, a pawn in Archie’s game. Spectators, or students, write down hits they want either Jerry or Janza to do (no illegal moves as in hits to the groin) and the last one standing is the winner. Obie, the Vigils secretary, brings out the Black Box in from of everyone, Archie knows he cannot deny it and wants to get it over with as soon as possible. He reaches in and pulls out a white marble. It’s all happening to fast for Obie, he wants Archie to hesitate, but he doesn’t and pulls out a second white marble. Halfway through, Janza has the upperhand and starts beating Jerry. But Brother Jacques steps in and stops everything. Archie knows he is in the clear forever, him, Brother Leon, the leader of the chocolate sale, and the Vigils. In the end, we don’t know what happened to Jerry, but Archie warns Obie never to pull a stunt like that. He’s referring to the Black Box.

The end.

Speak: Laurie Halse Anderson

So far, Melinda is an outcast after she called the police at an end-of-the-summer party. She has nothing. She meets a new student named Heather, but soon is losing her to her desire to join the Marthas, a group who dressed alike and does community service. She not officially in the group, it seems as if they are using her. Melinda is doing bad in a lot of the classes besides Art. It seems as if she’s getting a knack for it. She’s also good in basketball (or just foul shots), but her grades forbid her to join, not like she would anyway. Yeah, that’s all I have so far.

That’s it for now.

Oh yeah, I’m starting to see my resemblance to a kitty. :3

Posted: October 09, 2007

Junior Year Even with all the drama that happened this year, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Sure, I wish I could take a few things back. But the good things that happened definitely overtakes all the bad. I just gotta remember it was all worth it. All the tears and the heartache, the yelling and anger, worth it. I just realized, sure I’m sometimes materialistic. Sometimes. But I usually put other people before myself. And I’m happy about that. I know people who care about their own well-being even if not intentionally. I’m just glad I’m not one of them. Throughout all the years I’ve been with my friends, I’m starting to see their true colors. Maybe it started just this year, maybe it happened over time, and maybe they were always like that. But man, I just can’t believe they’d do this. I makes me wonder if I’m as bad as them or even worse. I truly believe that you cannot have a true friend until you had a fight with them. Like, how can you have a best friend for so long and not have a confrontation. I really think one between me and Dianne will come. I have so much to say to her, I’m just scared I’m gonna be biased about it or be too mean. But I really need to talk to her. I feel bad about going behind her back and telling all the things she told me in confidence to Von. But she should have told him anyway. And I feel bad about keeping something really big from Von. He’ll find out anyway, it’ll be better if he finds out from Dianne. I just hope nothing too bad happens. I really hate being in the middle, you know everything. You know how each other feels, you wanna say it but it’s a secret and the other person is always pushing for answers. But you just can’t tell, but you gotta. You have to watch what you say and you always feel bad. But I deserve it, after all. I did start it.