A decision was made

It’s true. My impulsive nature took over and I couldn’t put it off any longer. I told him the truth, but not the whole truth. So help me, God. Lame pun intended. I wish I could’ve said more, but there’s only so much you can put in a text. Yeah, break-up by text (although we were never really together). There’s more I wanted to say, but it’s so hard thinking of it right on the spot. So here I am, 2nd day in a row, typing down my thoughts. This really isn’t about him though, it’s about me, again. This blog is supposed to help me discover myself anyway.

So here I go: why would someone be so unhappy about being happy? Why would someone want to cut them self because they were lucky with things? Why would someone want to kill themselves just because things always went their way? Are these people real? Haha. Dumb question. But yes, they do exist. And I’m living proof. I’m the youngest of three. Naturally, I will be spoiled. I’m 16 now and I still am. I live alone with my parents, my sister and brother moved out after high school. All I have to do is yell or cry, and boom, I get what I want. Sounds like a dream come true, right?

Okay, it’s at night. I’m about to go to sleep. I say my prayers and talk to God (actually, it’s more of a one-way conversation). But I ask him to help me with things, and guess what: he comes through for me. Surprised?

Why would I want this to end? Why do I want to be miserable? I would I think about taking my life when things go my way, when other people are exactly the opposite of me?

To tell you the truth, I think I’m crazy.

But there really isn’t any plausible reason I can think of for my behavior. The best I can come up with is that: life is unfair. You heard it, you hate it, people write songs about it. But it is. How is it fair that someone really nice, genuine, caring, smart, handsome, friendly, and all-around great person have such an unfair life? His family isn’t as appreciative as they should be, his parents are going through a divorce, girls don’t treat him like that should… It’s not fair! I can’t stress it enough.

Then there’s me. Someone who lies to their parents even when all they did was love and care for me. I yell at them and throw tantrums for even the littlest of things. Important things to them always seem to slip my mind. They baby me and I don’t appreciate it enough. And the biggest thing to me: I went against my morals and theirs.

Now tell me, who’s life is unfair?

I shouldn’t get what I want and he should get what he wants. But it never works that way. Things happen for a reason. It’s God’s plan. I know it is, and I’m waiting. I’m not being ignorant and all-knowing. I just truly wanna know: why?

People always ask me, “how did you get this cut?”

I always lie. But how do you think the real answer sounds like?

“I was happy.”

Dear You,

I know I led you on. One person made me realize when I made him realize that a person is only a flirt when they lead people on. So guess what: I’m a flirt.

I’m really sorry I led you on. And I really did like you, but I can’t see us as anymore than friends. I’ve thought about it, not that hard because I’m sick of over thinking, but I really think this is the best decision for both of us. You can’t have a girlfriend and I don’t want a boyfriend. That just goes hand-in-hand, doesn’t it?

You are really a great friend and an even greater guy, but you’re not the guy for me, just as I’m not the girl for you. Don’t get me wrong, I will always be here for you when you need me. Don’t forget that. I am still your friend. Remember when I said I wished I had a best guy friend. The only reason I didn’t have one was because I usually ended up going out with them. I don’t want you to be that. You’re not another statistic. You are very important to me, but maybe not in the way you see me. I’m really sorry.

I’m so very sorry I led you on. I’m sorry I kissed you. I’m sorry you drove me home. I’m sorry you lied because of me. I’m sorry I led you on. But mostly, I’m sorry we can’t be.

I was really dumb for rushing things. It was unintentional. It just happened. I know it sounds bad, but I would take it back if I could. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. Now, I can only regret.

I’ve regretted way too many things and I’m not gonna continue now.

But maybe, the last thing I’m gonna regret is knowing that you’ll never see this.

Love,

Darlene

It’s always nice to know you have options

I’m a very indecisive person. I make lots of decisions and change them frequently. I guess you can say I get tired of things easily. Which, as it seems, is a bad thing. But it’s always nice to know you have options.

Usually, someone as indecisive as me, would like choices made for them. That’s sometimes the case with me, but I think I figured out the trick. I only want that when I know that there’s a high possibility of my choice being chosen. Take Okkodo High School for example, I wanted Okkodo to be my only choice because I wanted to go there, I just didn’t want to admit it. I voiced that I wish someone would choose for me, but when someone did and it wasn’t Okkodo, I cried. Haha. It seems so weird talking about it now. But that’s what really happened. A choice was made, but I didn’t stick with it. Thankfully, later, Okkodo was my chosen school.

Now I have a new option. Warrior vs. Knight. It’s an inside thing, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. If you did, then, WOW. Which to choose? I’ve wanted my Chinese Warrior ever since freshmen year. And now, I think I actually have a chance. But my Dark Knight, I never really wanted him. Sure, I thought he was cute and every girls’ dream, but I never really liked liked him. Maybe once, but it was passing. Now, I actually have him, but I don’t think I want him. I’m kinda confused about it, but I’m pretty sure that I don’t really like him like that. I think I just miss being with someone, but I don’t want to be with someone. I guess I’m a girl that’s pretty much a swinger.

But maybe I’m looking at this wrong. It’s natural to want things you don’t have and not want things you do. Since I have my Dark Knight, I don’t really want him, but I do want the Chinese Warrior. But, what if, once I actually do get my Chinese Warrior, I don’t want him. But I feel like I’ll actually do want him. I wanna take things slow this time. I can’t control my hormones that well, but yeah. I don’t want things to happen too fast. I already regret too much to think about it. So, I’ve led my Dark Knight too far into the forest and now I’m lost on what to do. I’m just waiting for something bad to happen to break this for me. I’m really content with being just friends with everyone. I don’t want to be attached. I don’t want a commitment. I’ve never really wanted it when I think about it. But I’ve dug myself too deep this time. Now, I really don’t know what to do.

If I say I wanna just be friends, I’ll risk loosing him as a friend.

If I continue this, I’ll be unhappy and I’ll loose him in the long run.
Or if I do continue this, maybe I could grow to love him. (Very unlikely.)

I think I’ve already made my decision on whether I like him or not. I can only see us as friends for now. Or actually, just as friends.

I do know that I started this and it needs to end. Please God, help me.

But at least, with options, you always have a choice. No matter how undecisive or confused you are, there is only one choice you prefer over the other. There is no both; there’s no 50-50 in things like this. It’s either one or the other. And I choose the other.