Why do you want me to suffer?

I am at crossroad in my life; where there are infinite possibilities. Ok, infinite could be a slight exaggeration. Each possibly has an significant outcome; and each outcome has a significant price.

I’m not ready to make a decision, nor am I ready to pay the price.

I am selfish. I don’t want an answer, neither I am really seeking for one.

I say one thing, but go for the other.

What am I thinking? I thought I cared about you. But if I really did, why can’t I stop?

Do I love you?

No matter what happens, happens. We are the choices we make.

But what if you can’t make one?

It’s true. My impulsive nature took over and I couldn’t put it off any longer. I told him the truth, but not the whole truth. So help me, God. Lame pun intended. I wish I could’ve said more, but there’s only so much you can put in a text. Yeah, break-up by text (although we were never really together). There’s more I wanted to say, but it’s so hard thinking of it right on the spot. So here I am, 2nd day in a row, typing down my thoughts. This really isn’t about him though, it’s about me, again. This blog is supposed to help me discover myself anyway.

So here I go: why would someone be so unhappy about being happy? Why would someone want to cut them self because they were lucky with things? Why would someone want to kill themselves just because things always went their way? Are these people real? Haha. Dumb question. But yes, they do exist. And I’m living proof. I’m the youngest of three. Naturally, I will be spoiled. I’m 16 now and I still am. I live alone with my parents, my sister and brother moved out after high school. All I have to do is yell or cry, and boom, I get what I want. Sounds like a dream come true, right?

Okay, it’s at night. I’m about to go to sleep. I say my prayers and talk to God (actually, it’s more of a one-way conversation). But I ask him to help me with things, and guess what: he comes through for me. Surprised?

Why would I want this to end? Why do I want to be miserable? I would I think about taking my life when things go my way, when other people are exactly the opposite of me?

To tell you the truth, I think I’m crazy.

But there really isn’t any plausible reason I can think of for my behavior. The best I can come up with is that: life is unfair. You heard it, you hate it, people write songs about it. But it is. How is it fair that someone really nice, genuine, caring, smart, handsome, friendly, and all-around great person have such an unfair life? His family isn’t as appreciative as they should be, his parents are going through a divorce, girls don’t treat him like that should… It’s not fair! I can’t stress it enough.

Then there’s me. Someone who lies to their parents even when all they did was love and care for me. I yell at them and throw tantrums for even the littlest of things. Important things to them always seem to slip my mind. They baby me and I don’t appreciate it enough. And the biggest thing to me: I went against my morals and theirs.

Now tell me, who’s life is unfair?

I shouldn’t get what I want and he should get what he wants. But it never works that way. Things happen for a reason. It’s God’s plan. I know it is, and I’m waiting. I’m not being ignorant and all-knowing. I just truly wanna know: why?

People always ask me, “how did you get this cut?”

I always lie. But how do you think the real answer sounds like?

“I was happy.”

I know I led you on. One person made me realize when I made him realize that a person is only a flirt when they lead people on. So guess what: I’m a flirt.

I’m really sorry I led you on. And I really did like you, but I can’t see us as anymore than friends. I’ve thought about it, not that hard because I’m sick of over thinking, but I really think this is the best decision for both of us. You can’t have a girlfriend and I don’t want a boyfriend. That just goes hand-in-hand, doesn’t it?

You are really a great friend and an even greater guy, but you’re not the guy for me, just as I’m not the girl for you. Don’t get me wrong, I will always be here for you when you need me. Don’t forget that. I am still your friend. Remember when I said I wished I had a best guy friend. The only reason I didn’t have one was because I usually ended up going out with them. I don’t want you to be that. You’re not another statistic. You are very important to me, but maybe not in the way you see me. I’m really sorry.

I’m so very sorry I led you on. I’m sorry I kissed you. I’m sorry you drove me home. I’m sorry you lied because of me. I’m sorry I led you on. But mostly, I’m sorry we can’t be.

I was really dumb for rushing things. It was unintentional. It just happened. I know it sounds bad, but I would take it back if I could. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. Now, I can only regret.

I’ve regretted way too many things and I’m not gonna continue now.

But maybe, the last thing I’m gonna regret is knowing that you’ll never see this.

Love,

Darlene

I’m a very indecisive person. I make lots of decisions and change them frequently. I guess you can say I get tired of things easily. Which, as it seems, is a bad thing. But it’s always nice to know you have options.

Usually, someone as indecisive as me, would like choices made for them. That’s sometimes the case with me, but I think I figured out the trick. I only want that when I know that there’s a high possibility of my choice being chosen. Take Okkodo High School for example, I wanted Okkodo to be my only choice because I wanted to go there, I just didn’t want to admit it. I voiced that I wish someone would choose for me, but when someone did and it wasn’t Okkodo, I cried. Haha. It seems so weird talking about it now. But that’s what really happened. A choice was made, but I didn’t stick with it. Thankfully, later, Okkodo was my chosen school.

Now I have a new option. Warrior vs. Knight. It’s an inside thing, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. If you did, then, WOW. Which to choose? I’ve wanted my Chinese Warrior ever since freshmen year. And now, I think I actually have a chance. But my Dark Knight, I never really wanted him. Sure, I thought he was cute and every girls’ dream, but I never really liked liked him. Maybe once, but it was passing. Now, I actually have him, but I don’t think I want him. I’m kinda confused about it, but I’m pretty sure that I don’t really like him like that. I think I just miss being with someone, but I don’t want to be with someone. I guess I’m a girl that’s pretty much a swinger.

But maybe I’m looking at this wrong. It’s natural to want things you don’t have and not want things you do. Since I have my Dark Knight, I don’t really want him, but I do want the Chinese Warrior. But, what if, once I actually do get my Chinese Warrior, I don’t want him. But I feel like I’ll actually do want him. I wanna take things slow this time. I can’t control my hormones that well, but yeah. I don’t want things to happen too fast. I already regret too much to think about it. So, I’ve led my Dark Knight too far into the forest and now I’m lost on what to do. I’m just waiting for something bad to happen to break this for me. I’m really content with being just friends with everyone. I don’t want to be attached. I don’t want a commitment. I’ve never really wanted it when I think about it. But I’ve dug myself too deep this time. Now, I really don’t know what to do.

If I say I wanna just be friends, I’ll risk loosing him as a friend.

If I continue this, I’ll be unhappy and I’ll loose him in the long run.
Or if I do continue this, maybe I could grow to love him. (Very unlikely.)

I think I’ve already made my decision on whether I like him or not. I can only see us as friends for now. Or actually, just as friends.

I do know that I started this and it needs to end. Please God, help me.

But at least, with options, you always have a choice. No matter how undecisive or confused you are, there is only one choice you prefer over the other. There is no both; there’s no 50-50 in things like this. It’s either one or the other. And I choose the other.

Senior year. It’s the epitome of high school. This is the chance of make your mark and be remembered. We came in freshmens and are ending seniors; going from the weakest to strongest. But not me. I’m going to be starting a new school (i.e. newly built), having to make new friends, getting to know new teachers, having new classes. I’m not exactly sad like people expect me to be, but I’m not thrilled either. I guess part of me wanted to go to the new school. It’s a fresh start, something I’ve always thought about. I will miss my best friends, seeing as none of them will be in the new school with me. But that’s exactly my point. No one knows you exactly, its a time or reinvent yourself. I don’t think this is an unfortunate happening, I think this was mean to happen. Moving to this new school doesn’t mean that I’m completely breaking away from my old one. It’d be impossible. Just like a ribbon, no matter how you rip it apart, it’ll still be tied together, even by tiny strings.

But of course, with every ending comes a new beginning.

I glanced tentatively around the bare, white room as someone rapped rhythmically against the clear pane of the door, opening it. It was a doctor. Young and new, I guessed. He took long strides towards me and stood at my bedside, casting his eyes down as he ran a hand through his hair. Not a good sign. He muttered words barely coherent to my mind as I looked up at him with bewildered eyes. His words coming out a frenzied mess. He must have caught on seeing as he heaved out a long sigh and spoke slower. I continued looking at him, not knowing where I was exactly or for what reason. But after a series of sighs, fidgeting, and foreign words, here’s what I found out: my name is Hannah Cartel, I’m 17, and I have three weeks to live.

Basically, this is the preface of a novel I wish to write. Lame idea, lame plot. But that’s fine. Something’s gotta motivate me.

School is beginning, yet, it’s an end for me. I’m a senior now. A senior. I’ve coasted through school living day-by-day. I don’t plan what to do, if so, at the very least. But now, I gotta watch my back. What I do now is in the pinnacle of high school; what most people remember when they finally get out. This is the year to be known or remembered. My last three high school years were such a blur. Everything happened too fast and look where I am now. Still confused, still lost. I’m so used to being the youngest. Youngest in my family, youngest in friends, youngest class in school. But now, I’m the oldest. I can’t be babied anymore. No matter how much I want to, no matter how much it’ll be easier: I’m not a kid anymore. I’m still realizing it. I’m so used to getting my way with people, at least most of the time. Now, since I’m a PRO for senior class, I’m gonna have to get used to being shut down all the time, getting told what I’m doing wrong, that everything I do, I could’ve done better. It’s gonna make me stronger. It’s gotta. All the criticism, I will recieve is either gonna make me or break me. I’m writing this now as my acknowledgment that I’m growing up. I’m stepping out of the shadows and making myself remembered. I’m not a kid. I’m not an adult. I’ll just be me and go from there.

For one thing, can they come up with a shorter, yet catchier title. What happened to one word says it all? Another thing, what is with the people who cast these actors. They can’t act at all! Maybe some, but mostly it’s so annoying how every new TV show has a multitude of bad acting. And c’mon, their scripts and logic in this show makes no sense. Why is everyone making fun of Grace when she was almost raped? Why is it so funny that the anchors feel the need to play it over and over again? And Amy’s parents are just as dumb. Why in the hell would any respective parent would want any child to be threatened like that? Why is Amy’s mom so jealous? She needs to grow up. So what is Grace threatened the guy? It’s called self-defense. They can’t sue her for that! They should sue the guy for being drunk in public and harrassing and attempting to rape an underaged girl! And what’s with Amy’s stuttering? It’s so obvious that she’s hiding something. Those parents’ have brains, so why don’t they use them. And Amy’s sister, she’s probably me third favorite actress, but her tone of voice is so fake. It’s obvious that she’s forcing it. She needs to brush up on her acting just like almost every other actor/actress on that show. And that Asian girl, she’s the most boringest in the whole entire fricken’ show, I just wanna rip off me ears when I hear her talk, she’s so boring! And Ben, he’s a freakin’ stalker, I can’t imaging going out with him for any longer than a week at most. The only one who seems to have any sense about pregnancy is the black girl. Gosh, tell you dumbass parents that your pregnant and get over it! It’s not like they aren’t gonna notice you huge, bulbous stomach. Or maybe they won’t because they so ignorant and stupid.

In lay man’s terms, this show has potential to be a good show. It could really teach the community about pregnancy and such. But! And here is the big but, it needs better actors and scipts. No offence, but both lack major creativity and realism.

To: You

How could you let a girl control you that way? I thought I should feel bad for starting all this. Yeah, I know I did take part of this, maybe even a significant part, but at least I didn’t let it ruin my life like you. Yeah, you’re ruining your life. I really believed you could’ve moved on and had a good life. You say it’s so hard, but you’re making it hard. You try to make everyone feel sorry for you, maybe they should sometimes. But now, you’re making your life more pathetic than it really is. And I hate the word pathetic. You laugh off everything like it’s no big deal, but I know why you do it. So we can get mad or reprimand you for doing it. You want attention. I know what I’m saying is mean, but this is the plain truth. And I can see right through you. Why can’t you see that there are people who really care for you and want you to have a good life? Stop being such a dick about everything and just

GROW UP!